I miss Him. It's been what... 5 days now. 5 damned days that I haven't seen him.
And that's bad. Really bad. I miss his presence, I miss the fact that I'm carefree when he's around, taht he makes me think of anything else that... he's my friend. We connect so much. We think alike.
I don't know why I'm writing in english... I guess it's because that if I write in french, it will sound more real. And it CAN'T be real.
I've been in love before. Not much. Twice, for real. Not fake stupid crush. But that doesn't sound/feels like it this time... But it's new. He's my friend, and when I met him, I already knew it wouldn't never be possible. And it was ok. I liked that. And it's still ok. It's just... I need him. He's the closest image of a boyfriend I ever had. He cares for me. He wanna makes me smile, he wanna help, used to miss me when we were living far appart. He's exactly like a non-physical boyfriend. But even by being not physical (not even hugs, he's not that type of guy) I miss his physical presence.
I've talked to him in those 5 days... but I need to see him. I don't like that. It feels weird. And sometimes when he's there, I have impulse to cuddle, or hug, or whatever I would do with my other gay friend. But not him, cause once again, he's not like that. But I wish to. Really. Like that night. That night where he was so beautiful. I don't know why... but his hair, his pose, the lighting, the look, oh I had a hard time to go on with my sentence. I stumble in it, I think, if I remember.
And it hurt somehow when he talks about his ex, or his dates, or that my other friends who have the right to love him cause they are guys talked to me about him. It's reallly painfull hearing the éloge of him, while you can't say stop because you're not suppose to care, and that you can't say that you agree, or whatever. And it's not pleasant when he's talking about interesting guys that he met. I would be jealous. If he dates someone, he'll spend less time with me. That's reallly selfish of me. Not wishing the happiness of my friend, for mine.
I nearly loose him, this summer. By being eclipsed by another friend, a girl... La Nouvelle. He've made this summer so hard for me... and I told him, in a 5 pages letter. Then he said we would talk. And that talk never came. But he came back. Like before. Even better. We were seing each other everyday in that new city, where we were living so close. With schedule that fits. All fall, I was afraid that he would give up on me, get tired of seeing me all the time. But it helped us for some stuff. We totally understand each others mind now. And My fear was apparently wrong.
But I think it happened. Happening right now. He's starting to get involve more at his school. And I'm afraid that he's tired of me. I knew it would happen... I'm like that! I'm always getting obsessed by something. Let's say a book, or a movie. When I'm getting into it, nothing else is important than the book. Every single minute that is not spend on the book is lost. Or the movie, or even just a song. And that's what's happening with him. I feel lost without him.
Getting obsessed by my best friend. Great Idea.
Best friend that I never call my best friend. In case it would embarrassed him. I know I'm probably not his. I don't care, it's ok for me. But he is mine. And I'm kind of shy about it... Stupid me.
Do I love him? As a friend, definatly. As more, I'm not sure... but he's more than just a friend. He's right now the most important person in my life. More than even myself, I would say. That is so bad, have so much ... not hope but... fund? I don't know... on someone else than yourself... who is not really aware of it, because if he were, he might freak out...
Am i in love with him? That would be so different then before. Before than the other times I was in love. No butterfly, no sudden happiness... just... ease if he's around... Maybe that's just what REAL friendship is... But how would you explain my unwillingness to help him in his love life? Oh, I will help, for sure. I'm his doc... I help him to see more clearly. But it huuuuuuuuuurt sometimes...
OK THAT WAS TOTALLY A "$?"?$/?$%&%? BEURK ARTICLE. No prensentation/colors, in english, probably full of mistakes. I don't care. I'm sorry, I don't think anyone will read that anyway.
But I've been thinking about that article for long. Wondering if it would help. Clear up my mind... I don't know... we'll see...
I was kind of counting on that other guy I met, (next article) but I haven't been in contact much with ... let's call him Mister M. So I haven't contact much Mister M. since I met him... so it didn't really help... Damned...